How to split chores fairly between siblings

Why chores turn into a fairness argument

With more than one child, chores stop being about the job and become about who got what. “Why do I have to take out the trash when she only sets the table?” is rarely about the bins.

You will not remove every complaint. But a few habits cut down on them a great deal, and they help the children learn that a fair system is one they can understand.

Fair is not the same as equal

A six year old and a thirteen year old cannot do the same jobs, and it would not be fair to ask them to. Pediatric guidance on sibling rivalry, such as Kaiser Permanente’s, advises parents to treat each child fairly and to avoid comparing them. In chores, fair does not have to mean identical.

For chores, this means matching the job to the child, and being open about why. “Your brother does the recycling because it needs lifting. You do the plants because you are good at remembering them” gives a child a reason, which an unexplained difference does not.

Aim for jobs that take roughly the same effort and time over a week, even if the tasks are very different. A rough tally on the chart helps you see whether one child is carrying more.

Two ways to share out the jobs

Families tend to use one of two systems, or a mix of them:

• Fixed jobs. Each child owns certain jobs for a while, say a month. Good for: building responsibility and mastery, and for children who dislike change. Watch out for: a child who is stuck with a job they hate, or an older child who always gets the best ones.
• Rotating jobs. Jobs move between children each week. Good for: fairness, because everyone takes a turn with the unpopular ones, and for learning a range of skills. Watch out for: confusion about whose turn it is, and uneven standards from one week to the next.

A combination often works well: each child has one or two jobs of their own, and the least popular jobs, like the bathroom or the trash, rotate. Whichever system you choose, put it where everyone can see it. A printable chart with each child’s name on it settles most “whose turn is it?” questions before they start.

Do not let the oldest child do it all

It is tempting to give the most reliable, most capable child the most work, because the job is done well and without fuss. Over time that breeds resentment in the older child, and the younger ones miss the chance to learn.

• Give younger children real jobs, even if they take longer or need help. A four year old can set out napkins.
• Ask the older child to teach a skill to a younger one, rather than do the job for them, and thank them for it.
• Keep an eye on the total. If the oldest child is also looking after a younger sibling, that counts as work.

Shared jobs

Some jobs are better done together, like clearing up after dinner or tidying a shared room. They work best when each person has a defined part: one clears, one wipes, one puts away. A job that belongs to “everyone” often belongs to nobody.

For a shared bedroom, give each child a clear area they are responsible for, such as their own bed and the floor on their side, and then agree on one shared job, such as the bin.

What to say when you hear “that’s not fair”

Try to respond to the feeling behind it before you explain anything. It often takes only a minute.

1. 1Acknowledge it: “It sounds like you feel you are doing more than your sister.”
2. 2Ask a question: “What part feels most unfair?”
3. 3Look at the chart together. If a real imbalance shows up, fix it, and say so.
4. 4If the system is fair, explain it once, calmly, and move on.

Rewards and allowance between siblings

If older children are paid more, say so openly, and link it to the kind of job and not to the child. A job that takes an hour and some skill can pay more than one that takes ten minutes, whoever does it. The allowance calculator can help you set amounts that grow with age.

Keep praise individual and specific, and avoid comparing: “You wiped the table so carefully” is better than “You are better at this than your brother.”

When one child needs a different arrangement

Sometimes siblings really are different. One may have ADHD, a disability, or a much heavier school load. Your system can flex, and the others can usually understand it when you explain it simply: everyone helps, in the way that suits them. For one common case, see chores for kids with ADHD or autism.

Sources and further reading

• Kaiser Permanente: Learning about sibling rivalry