Sharing the household load between parents, including the mental load

The work you can see, and the work you cannot

Most couples can say who does the dishes. Far fewer can say who noticed the dishwasher tablets were running low, who remembered the dentist appointment, or who knows that the school trip form is due on Friday.

That second kind of work is often called the mental load: the planning, remembering, scheduling and tracking that keeps a household running. It does not show up on a chore chart, and it is easy for the person who does less of it not to see it. This guide is about making it visible and sharing it out, along with the visible tasks.

What the research found

Researchers at the Universities of Bath and Melbourne surveyed about 3,000 US parents about what they call cognitive household labor. They asked who handled tasks such as cleaning, scheduling, childcare, repairs, finances and cooking.

They found that mothers carried most of the planning and remembering, especially for day-to-day work like cleaning and childcare, while one-off jobs such as repairs were shared more evenly. Fathers often thought the load was more equal than mothers did. The researchers noted that the invisible work can lead to stress, burnout and resentment, and that it is hard to measure.

It is one survey of US parents, and every family differs. In your home, the person who carries more may be the father, or a grandparent, or a single parent doing all of it. The aim of this guide is not to assign blame. It is to make the work visible so you can share it on purpose.

Step 1: Keep a one-week list

For seven days, each adult writes down every task they do or think about, as it happens. Include the invisible ones: “thought about what to cook,” “texted the coach,” “noticed we are out of milk,” “remembered the birthday gift.”

At the end of the week, put the two lists side by side. This is often the first time the full picture is visible to both people, and it can turn an argument about who does more into a shared list of what needs doing.

Step 2: Split the work into areas

Group the tasks into areas, and give each area to one person. Common areas include:

• Meals and groceries
• Laundry
• Mornings and getting out of the door
• After school and activities
• Medical and dental appointments
• Birthdays, gifts and social plans
• Bills and money
• Pets, yard and repairs

Aim for areas that take about the same time and effort overall, and let each person choose some. Trade areas you strongly dislike if you can.

Step 3: Own an area from start to finish

The key rule is that the person who owns an area does the noticing, planning and doing. If one person has to remind the other, or check, or take over when it goes wrong, the mental load has not moved. It has just been given a second step.

• Agree on a standard in advance, then let the owner decide how.
• Do not redo someone else’s job, or correct it where they can see. Agree what “done” means, then let it be done their way.
• Put dates, lists and reminders somewhere shared, such as a family calendar, so that nothing depends on one person’s memory.

Step 4: Check in, and swap on purpose

Plans like this drift. A short check-in every week or two keeps them on track. Ask what is working, what is falling through, and whether anything needs to change. Swap areas at planned times, such as the start of a season or a school term, and not in the middle of a bad week.

Keep it kind, and keep it short.

Bringing children into it

Children can take on part of the mental load, too, and it is good practice for them. It also takes work off the adults.

• Younger children can know their own routine, with a picture chart to remind them.
• School-age children can pack their own bag, check the calendar and tell you what they need.
• Teenagers can own a whole area, such as one dinner a week, from planning to cleanup. See chores for teenagers.

A shared chart helps because it takes the memory out of one person’s head. Our printable charts work well on the fridge for this, and our guide to skills kids learn through chores shows what to hand over at each age.

If you are a single parent, or share care across homes

When one adult carries everything, the list is the same but the aim is different: lighten it. Look at which areas could be shared with older children, simplified or dropped. A good enough dinner, a shared calendar and a few jobs handed to the kids can take more weight off than any amount of planning.

If the children live in two homes, the same ideas apply between households. Agree who owns what, keep the shared information in one place and keep the system as simple as you can.

Sources and further reading

• British Psychological Society Research Digest: Mothers report taking the brunt of the household mental load